Unexpected

I have 12 friends who are pregnant.
 Twelve.
 Twelve people who I see on a weekly basis all in various stages of growing their precious little bumps.
One of my best friends, my neighbor, a co-worker and several close friends from church.
 I can probably think of 5 to 10 more who are 'friends' on social media that are also pregnant.
A friend joked this past week that it feels like everyone is pregnant. 

Everyone IS pregnant.

Did you know that 25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage? 1 in 4.
 So the probability that someone I know's pregnancy wasn't going to be viable seemed inevitable.

 I would have never imagined it would have been mine.

Austin and I started trying in May. We made the decision to try to grow our family and give our sweet daughter a baby sibling. We were hopeful and excited. I had my hopes realistically set on how long it would take. I didn't put pressure on myself to get pregnant immediately since I knew it took almost 6 months with Ellie. But then we were. I took a test early one July morning and (im)patiently waited those lonnnnnng two minutes for that second little line to appear, and then there it was. I kept it a secret from Austin all day. (hardest. secret. ever!) I ran to Target and got the cutest little shirt that said 'I'm the BIG SISTER' and after dinner with friends that evening, I got the shirt from the bag and showed it to him. He didn't get it at first. He said 'oh that's cute. It'll be good for when we need it.' I gave him a look that probably said OH MY GOSH! DON'T YOU GET IT? and then he smiled.

We told a few close friends and family. We were excited to share our news and knowing that we had a normal full term pregnancy before, the thought something could go wrong never crossed our minds.

Two weeks later I noticed some strange symptoms that the nurses assured me were completely normal.
Until I knew that they weren't. 

Three weeks, five ultrasounds and a lot of lab tests later we heard the dreaded truth.. 'There's nothing there.'
Nothing.
 No heartbeat. No sign of life.
The signs were there. The missed period and the craving for lemonade. The sack was there. But the baby wasn't.

I dressed slowly in the bathroom, holding it together for as long as I could. I thanked the ultrasound tech with tears in my eyes and walked out of the room. I stood behind a small wall that separated me from the main waiting room and melted into my husbands arms. 

Have you ever ugly sobbed (not cried but sobbed?) in public? It's rough. 

After an hour of waiting to meet with the doctor we headed out the door to go on with our lives like it hadn't just come crumbling down on top of us.

 I pleaded with God to work a miracle, change the situation, take away my heartache. A plea I cried for those long and painful three weeks. Still, nothing was there.

I sat in my car for a bit before leaving the parking lot that day. I turned on my music and prayed. I asked God why and once more pleaded with him to change things. Please, Lord. Please.
But as my music seemed to grow louder my plea changed. Peace, Lord....peace. Give me peace. Give me your peace, that surpasses all understanding. 'Please Lord, peace...'

Mere moments had passed when I opened up Instagram to take my mind off things when I saw this

captioned with 'He weeps with us and comforts us in our pain and yet He sees what we cannot see. He sees His perfect plan. He sees that even our pain can bring what is best for us. So he holds us close and let's us grieve. He hurts because we hurt. And yet through it all He is working. Working for our good.'

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just knew that God was right there with you? As if you could reach out and physically touch Him? That He heard your prayer and He immediately comforted or answered you? In that moment I felt the full embrace of my Jesus. I knew it was okay to be upset and confused, but I also knew that even though I didn't understand, I still trusted Him.

I spent the weekend loving my family a little harder. I held Ellie a little longer and snuggled her to sleep Saturday night. I paid extra attention to the details of her ever changing toddler face. I noticed she's started to cover her mouth with her hand when she laughs, and wondered who she picked that up from and immediately not caring because it's absolutely adorable. We went to church together as a family on Sunday and worshiped. We sang, mourned, cried (a lot) and felt the love of God all around us. We witnessed a baptism.
It was a good day.
I like to think that when my baby made it back to Jesus that they snuggled and He held that baby as gently as ever. That Jesus explained to my baby how He needed them to stay with Him just a while longer. That my baby felt safe and secure in Christ's arms.

Ya'll. God is good. That fact was never a question in my mind. I may not understand now, or ever why this happened to us but I know now that I don't have to. I know that God is good and He is faithful. I know that He is holding Austin and I close while we mourn the loss of our second child. I know that His plan is better than anything I could imagine.
and I can't wait to see what He's got in store.

'I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning'
- Lamentations 3:20-23

xoxo,
Rachel